Is messing with the space-time continuum a felony or just a misdemeanor?
Plus: You can now shop at Trader Joe’s without the risk of random arrest — though you might want to skip their probiotics.
We somehow gained a flood of new subscribers this week after posting a single tweet about a typo. Welcome, everyone — and sorry in advance for our excessive love of the passive voice. We briefly felt bad about poking fun at the court’s typo, but then remembered that half of their sealed documents are still unjustifiably sealed. So, no regrets.
In this week’s roundup:
A Steph Curry superfan goes legal, Chicago grand juries act like they’re in D.C., Arizona prosecutors channel their inner Kenny Chesney, a Virginia judge steps up as the adult in the room, and one federal judge confirms your right to wear a backpack in Trader Joe’s without fear of random arrest. Meanwhile, MrBeast heads to mediation, PACER collapses again, and federal courts continue their eternal battle with basic competence.
Let’s get to it.
The Docket Roundup
- A Texas man plans to plead guilty after threatening to “shoot up” a Pride parade — allegedly saying on Facebook, “I say we lock and load and pay them back for taking out Charlie Kirk.”
- PACER went down repeatedly this week. So, if you needed to read a crucial ruling on whether the National Guard can deploy to Chicago — too bad. $145 million in annual PACER fees, and it still can’t stay online.
- Somewhere in Georgia, a trucking company is having the worst week imaginable.
- Tennessee teachers are suing over being fired for their social media posts about Charlie Kirk.
- A Chicago grand jury is apparently trying to outdo D.C. with its level of drama.
- A U.S. Attorney in Arizona — listed in filings as “Tucson Flip Flop AUSA” — has filed charges in an immigration case. (Shoutout to the Arizona press corps for spotting that gem.)
- In true “Rocket Docket” fashion, a judge in Virginia has scheduled James Comey’s trial to begin… nine months ago. (Lawfare nerds, feel free to discuss vindictive prosecution motions at length.)
- A lawsuit claims CNN’s Erin Burnett disrespected Steph Curry’s greatness. Yes, that’s an actual case.
- Judge Faruqui strikes again: “Acting on impulse in the frozen food aisle at Trader Joe’s — reasonable. Acting on impulse to illegally search people — unreasonable.”
- Two researchers in Indiana finally got partial relief: a judge ordered their search warrants unsealed, though the affidavits remain sealed. The government has 90 days to update the court.
- In the Eastern District of Virginia, a senior national security prosecutor had to step in and file a corrective motion because of “a lack of coordination within the U.S. Attorney’s Office.” Translation: someone forgot their homework.
- The Trump Organization settled its lawsuit against MAGA merch bootleggers.
- A Texas judge has apparently decided that “civility” is optional in government litigation.
- An Indiana man was indicted for threatening a prosecutor, and another woman was arrested for reportedly threatening lawyers at an international firm. It’s been a busy week for bad decisions.
- Epic Games is suing two Fortnite creators for using bots to scam the game’s payout system.
- Universal Studios is defending the Minions. (Banana, anyone?)
- A new lawsuit claims Trader Joe’s probiotics aren’t what they claim to be. You’re safe to shop again — just don’t trust the supplements.
- Two Ohio school psychologists have been indicted for allegedly running a drug operation online.
- The FBI says a North Carolina man left 102 threatening voicemails for his former probation officer.
- MrBeast is now in mediation over a lawsuit with a former employee. Let’s hope the snacks are better than the optics.
- Fifteen people were picked up off the coast of California in a maritime smuggling bust.
- A former midshipman from the Naval Academy was indicted for allegedly posting threats on social media — and apparently, every other midshipman is failing basic operational security.
Some weeks in the federal courts feel like procedural chaos. This week felt more like a fever dream written by a law student with too much Red Bull. From Comey’s time-traveling trial dates to judges quoting Oliver Twist and Trader Joe’s customers earning constitutional protection, the justice system never disappoints.
Until next week — stay out of PACER, and out of trouble.
