This week, all eyes in the legal world were on the Eastern District of Virginia — waiting to see whether a man who enjoys long walks on the beach and Taylor Swift playlists would end up with criminal charges. Late Thursday night, he did.
That’s where most outlets stopped. We didn’t. Inspired by his Instagram bio, we’re taking a detour — a weirder, wilder Court Watch edition packed with stories about NSA car chases, Telegram hacks, Meta’s legal gag, airline drug smuggling, and one man’s motorcycle ride across the U.S. to attend a memorial… with murder in mind.
Stick around long enough and you’ll also leave knowing what legally qualifies as tequila — which, frankly, is the kind of useless expertise that makes you unbearable at backyard barbecues.
The Docket Roundup
- The Comey Docket is here. No need for a teaser — the arguments will fuel the internet for days.
- Airline employees caught in a smuggling scandal. A woman was detained after TSA found drugs in her “checked bag.” The twist? She never checked one. Lawsuits now claim American Airlines employees used passenger names to move narcotics. The airline’s PR team has gone radio silent.
- The SEC’s licensing problem. A self-represented defendant discovered that the SEC lawyer handling his case wasn’t actually licensed to practice law in New York. Cue chaos.
- NSA car chase. A Maryland man drove onto the NSA’s Fort Meade campus, sped off, and crashed into a police cruiser.
- A biker’s deadly detour. A man riding cross-country to attend Charlie Kirk’s memorial was arrested for allegedly threatening to kill a “former governor near New York” expected at the same event.
- Meta muzzled. An anonymous Instagram account that tracks ICE movements asked a court to block Meta from handing their identity to Homeland Security. A judge granted temporary protection — a small victory for online anonymity.
- Camp Pendleton chaos. Radio waves, trespassing, and flares — all part of a strange complaint involving a nervous Marine aviator and a very confused intruder.
- North Carolina corruption. A man is accused of taking bribes to release inmates early — with a side hustle in COVID loan fraud.
- The DOJ hacks Telegram. Citing Telegram’s refusal to cooperate with investigators, federal prosecutors got court approval for remote access to Telegram servers in a child exploitation case. The request essentially let law enforcement send “legal malware” to extract user data — with judicial oversight, of course.
- Tenured but terminated. A University of South Dakota professor fired for social media comments after Charlie Kirk’s death sued — and won. A judge ordered him reinstated.
- Terrorism by timeshare. A Florida man was charged with terrorism-related offenses over a timeshare scam. Move over, Al Capone.
- Gun law in trouble. Prosecutors in Oklahoma quietly admitted that a key federal firearm statute wouldn’t survive Supreme Court review.
- Kari Lake’s deposition drama. The hearing promised political fireworks and delivered. Will defiance lead to contempt? Stay tuned.
- FOIA feud. A press freedom group is suing DNI Tulsi Gabbard after she fired her FOIA chief for releasing records linking Venezuela to drug cartels.
- Wine crimes. Welcome to the shady world of grocery-store wine licensing disputes — where zoning maps meet Merlot.
- Pentagon gun charge overturned. A man accused of carrying a firearm near the Pentagon walked free after a judge ruled that the “no weapons” signs were too small to notice.
- Judicial compassion in D.C. Judge Zia Faruqui once again reminded everyone that the justice system should be, well, just. After a broke defendant nearly slept on a park bench during trial, Faruqui ordered the government to cover hotel costs, writing:
“Poor defendants are not characters in Oliver Twist meant to beg the courts: Your Honor, I want some more [basic necessities], please.”
This week’s docket proves that justice in America is a wild mix of the absurd, the serious, and the surreal — where you can bike across the country to commit a crime, sue Meta for privacy, or teach the government what counts as tequila.
