R. Eric Thomas Advises That Generosity Should Not Be Viewed As A Transactional Invoice To Repay
In a recent installment of his syndicated advice column, “Asking Eric,” bestselling author R. Eric Thomas addressed the anxiety surrounding financial hardship and social obligation, specifically counseling readers against viewing kindness as a debt. Responding to a query regarding the guilt associated with receiving support without the means to reciprocate, Thomas offered a reframing of interpersonal dynamics. He wrote, “It’s important to remember that generosity from others – in good times and bad – isn’t an invoice that we have to scramble to repay somehow.”
Thomas, known for his memoir Here for It and his distinct voice in cultural commentary, frequently explores the intersections of mental health, etiquette, and emotional intelligence. His guidance often targets the “imposter syndrome” many feel in their personal relationships, urging a shift away from performative exchanges. By characterizing generosity as a gift rather than a bill, Thomas suggests that the acceptance of help is, in itself, a valid form of participation in a relationship, particularly when financial resources are unequal.
However, the psychological barrier to accepting generosity without immediate repayment is significant and well-documented. Social scientists identify this tension as the “norm of reciprocity,” a fundamental social rule where individuals feel a compelling obligation to return favors to maintain social balance. Evolutionary biologists have further argued that “reciprocal altruism” is an adaptive trait that facilitated human survival, suggesting that the urge to “settle the score” is biologically ingrained. While Thomas’s advice seeks to alleviate the emotional burden of this instinct, critics of this approach might argue that the cycle of giving and receiving is what cements social bonds, and that removing the expectation of repayment could inadvertently weaken the perceived strength of the connection for some individuals.
washingtonpost.com
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